


If I Cast My Heart Away...

by AnotherWorld3111



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angry Jared Padalecki, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Drugged Sex, Established Relationship, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Jensen Whump, M/M, Mother Hen Lindsey McKeon, Protective Jared Padalecki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 00:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15784938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherWorld3111/pseuds/AnotherWorld3111
Summary: ...My body may follow, but my soul will always remain with you





	If I Cast My Heart Away...

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my most amazing friend, KaenNoMai, who decided to watch me flounder instead of helping me come up with a title.  
> Then again, when has tumblr not been distracting?  
> Also, she's technically supposed to be my beta, but again. Tumblr. So if there are any typos I missed, you can blame it on her :)

Jensen still had trouble believing what his life had become like right now. He could still remember, not too long ago, when they were all celebrating his and Jared’s engagement party…

Jensen swallowed the bile that rose in his throat. 

They’d been so happy. Danneel was ecstatic for him, Gen grinning just as brightly as anyone else, Misha organizing a band of little kids from a nearby hospital to entertain the adults with music.

And Jared had been at his side the entire time, an arm wrapped around Jensen’s waist, his other hand holding a champagne glass, drinking in the scene in front of him. But whenever he looked to the side, he’d catch Jensen staring, and his eye would immediately go soft and happy as he bent down to nuzzle Jensen’s cheek, before pressing a kiss to Jensen’s stubble. 

“I love you,” He’d whisper.

Jensen couldn’t believe that had only been a couple of week ago. It felt like such a distant memory, and yet, his heart still seemed to shatter all over again every time he thought of it.

He gagged again, but this time, he couldn’t hold back the urge to vomit any longer, so he promptly bent practically in half to make sure his vomit landed in the wastebasket rather than his lap.

When he was done, instead of straightening, he just slumped where he was.

They’d been happy with their engagement, hell, the way Jared practically worshipped him that night… Jensen’s eyes watered at the memory. 

But his tears actually fell only when he remembered what happened next.

_ He was in bed, cuddled up under his blankets. The sun’s rays streaming through the window was landing right on his face, so there was no way Jensen couldn’t groggily return to consciousness. _

_ He’d only just registered the warmth of a body pressed against his back and was starting to reach for it when a voice – no, a yell, broke through Jensen’s senses.  _

_ “Jen-What the hell?” _

_ Jensen always loved the sound of Jared’s voice.  _

_ But at that moment, nothing terrified him more than the very same voice.  _

He still wasn’t sure if it was because of how…  _ angry  _ Jared sounded, or because that it very clearly did not come from the very naked body plastered against the back of his equally nude form.

Not for the first time that week, Jensen cried himself to sleep.

oOo

_ “Jay, baby, please–” _

_ “Oh, come on, Jenny, don’t act like you didn’t want it now.” The sound of the man Jensen didn’t remember ever laying his eyes on felt like it was made to melt Jensen’s brains out of his ears. _

_ “‘Jenny’?” Jared repeated, disbelief coloring his tone, but absolute betrayal written all over the rest of his features. _

_ That was the first time Jensen started to feel his heart break.  _

_ “Jay–” _

_ “No!” _

_ It wasn’t the last time either. _

 

_ “Danneel, you’ve got to help me–” _

_ “How could you, Jensen? And you just got engaged too…” Shaking her head, Danneel walked away without a second glance. _

 

_ “How dare you do this!” _

_ “Gen–” _

_ “Don’t ‘Gen’ me, Jensen Ackles! You should be glad I’m letting you walk away from this in one piece, which is way more than you deserve after what you’ve done!” _

 

_ “Misha, come on, man, you’ve gotta understand. There’s no way I would do this!” _

_ His best friend only looked back at him with sad eyes. “Exactly, Jensen. Which is why I don’t understand how you did.” _

oOo

“Oh, baby, c’mon,” Gen rubbed Jared’s arm reassuringly. “You shouldn’t let yourself be hung up on him like this. Sure, that son of a bitch was let off easily, but you can’t keep moping around like this. He doesn’t deserve that, Jared!” 

Jared sighed, closing his eyes as he leaned into his best friend’s side. Despite her being significantly shorter than him, her presence was probably the only thing keeping Jared sane right now. 

“I still don’t get how he could do that, Gen. We were so happy, we were in love…”

The anger was practically radiating from Genevieve, but Jared knew it was only on his behalf. “I swear, if I ever see him again…”

Jared sighed. “Let it go. You’re the one who said I have to move on, right?” He straightened, leaning against the couch instead as he turned to face Gen. “So we’re gonna do that. Starting from now.”

Gen raised her eyebrows. “While I totally approve of that, how about we start first thing in the morning instead?”

Jared was about to ask her what she meant when he registered the time. “Oh. Oh! God, I am so sorry, you have an early shift tomorrow, don’t you?” He started to scramble off the sofa. “Man, I’ve been keeping you up – you should get to bed, and–”

Gen stood up, making her taller than Jared for the time being as she put a hand on his shoulder, forcing himself to sit back down. “Calm down, Jay. It’s fine. You just get some rest, and quit worrying, alright? Especially ‘cause you’re gonna need to be well rested for tomorrow.” Gen said with a smirk.

Jared frowned, trying to remember what was tomorrow. “I… have a meeting?”

Gen rolled her eyes. “After work, you doofus. We’re meeting up with the gang at the Roadhouse.”

Jared’s face cleared up in understanding. “Ah. Right.”

oOo

The music was loud to the point that it made Jared's bones vibrate. The people around him were in a constant movement of push and pull, their voices cheering alongside the music, making Jared's ears ring. And in front of him, Danneel, Gen, Misha, and even Chris were dancing wildly along with the rest of the club, thumping in beat with the rhythm.    
  
"Drinks!" Chad popped up, holding a tray full of said drinks that the group had ordered. Jared never had nor ever will comment on the fact that his friend worked as a bartender, not when it promised them better service and occasional discounts.    
  
Easily reaching above everyone's heads, Jared snagged his shot off the tray first, and it was only after he did that was Chad prompted to lower the tray to a height more accessible to normal sized people.

Before he could even bring the glass to his lips, Jared found a petite brunette jostling his side as she fought her way to him. Glancing at her expectantly, he blinked when she only raised her own glass high in the air and cheered in a loud voice.    
  
Their group echoing the statement, Jared finally allowed himself to drink, closing his eyes as he drowned himself in the feeling of the harsh after-burn. Though it was harder for him to get drunk, he still revelled at the beginning stages of feeling inebriated. The feeling lasted all of until he opened his eyes, and found himself staring at his circle of friends, everyone there minus one important person.    
  
Jensen.    
  
Jared swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath. He ignored Gen giving him a concerned look as his chest heaved with the action. He was here to have a fun time, and to forget about everything.    
  
So he was damn well gonna do that.   
  
"More drinks – on me!" Jared yelled, and the group went wild.

oOo

Amarillo was everything Austin wasn’t. Quiet, not as crowded, and wasn’t where Jared lived. 

Or any of Jensen’s friends, really.

Sighing, Jensen shook his head. There wasn’t any use dwelling in the past, moving to Amarillo had been to make sure of that.

And still, Jensen found his thoughts wandering. Be it when he was staring out the window, completely forgetting the world around him as he withdrew into his mind, or even when he was trying to move in his meager belongings into his new apartment.

He’d been gone for a week, two weeks now since the...  _ incident,  _ and there was nothing more Jensen could do to distance himself any further from his past. For now, all that was left for Jensen was to ground himself in the present.

And to do that, he’d need to find a job.

...As soon as he was done puking his guts out in his bathroom. He’d probably spent more time in the bathroom than anywhere else in his apartment since moving. Even more so than the bedroom, Jensen was annoyed to say. Then again, it was his fault for spending whatever time he wasn’t at home at the nearest bar instead, getting absolutely shit-faced.

oOo

Getting a job as a mechanic at Amarillo was a lot more easier than Jensen was expecting. Truth be told, with the kind of luck he’d been dealt lately, he hadn’t even been expecting to get hired by anyone for at least a month. 

And yet, within another week, he’d found himself working under a mild mannered woman named Lindsey, though he had a feeling he wouldn’t be working against his boss in any fashion. The woman had that look in her eyes that suggested she could bury his body need be and no one would be able to find him… or that was perhaps Jensen’s newfound wariness talking.

Apart from Lindsey, who usually spent her time behind the computers if not overlooking her employees and giving them a general case of anxiety and fear of messing up, Jensen found himself working alongside only one other person, a tall yet abnormally skinny dude named DJ. Jensen still wasn’t sure how exactly the man had gotten hired for a job that required heavy-lifting, or maybe it was the other around, and he just wasn’t sure how DJ hadn’t put on any weight yet.

Either way, Jensen didn’t dwell on it for too long once he’d seen for himself how fast the breathing stickfigure could kickstart a car that Jensen was ready to call as good as totalled moments before. 

Slowly, but surely, Jensen found himself warming up to his coworker and employer. And though he didn’t trust himself to be able to get close to anyone again without perpetually fearing the inevitable fall out, Jensen could seeing himself eventually settling down here… so long as he made sure to keep a distance, this time.

oOo

Even if Lindsey seemed to leave him well enough alone so long as he did his job – though Jensen had a feeling that she was still somehow sneaking information out of him anyway – DJ made keeping a distance a whole lot more difficult. 

Yet honestly, Jensen couldn’t even find it in himself to blame the guy. DJ was just so naturally exuberant, his cheer was infectious to the point that even Jensen wasn’t able to let his gray cloud bother him when DJ was nearby.

“Hey, Jensen! I made a cherry pie –wanna taste!” 

Case in point. 

Though Jensen really couldn’t stomach the thought of any kind of food, despite the fact that he would have went crazy over pie only a few weeks ago, there was really no other option but for Jensen to quietly accept the plate DJ already had readily outstretched towards him. Wiping his hands in a pitiful attempt to wipe the grease off them, he took the pie from DJ. As he did so, Lindsey slipped into the work station. 

“Slacking from work, boys?” She asked, but there was no real malice in her tone, especially when DJ only widened his smile and turned towards her, another slice at the ready so quickly Jensen could have missed it in a blink. 

“Only taking the moment to appreciate the finer aspects of life, Mrs. Mckeon. And a much better efficient worker you’ll have in the end, don’t you think, Jensen?”

Raising his eyebrows from where he’d been doubtfully picking at his pie, Jensen stared befuddled for a moment, wondering if they were really talking to him. When he realized he was the recipient of both their stares, he immediately took a step back, holding his plate and hands up in surrender for added measure. 

“Uh, I’m not really – hey, I love the pie, but I love my job too, so can’t really pick a side here,” Jensen eventually managed to get out. 

Lindsey narrowed her eyes at him, but before Jensen could even start mentally preparing himself for looking for another job, he noticed the twinkle in her eyes. 

“Wise choice,” She nodded at him.

Hesitantly, he allowed himself to smile back, whilst DJ obliviously just grinned along with the rest of them.

oOo

He didn’t pay much attention to what he was doing, but by the time he consciously realized it, Jensen went along with it anyway. Stopping in the middle of work to eat the cherry pie – or, well, mush it into an unrecognizable lump of food, although the one bite he did take was exquisite – didn’t really put a dent in his work hours, but by the time DJ was logging out, and even Lindsey started to shut down the computers, Jensen stayed at his workplace, deciding to take on another car despite being well ahead of his schedule. Distantly, he knew that if he did any more work, he’d be finishing DJ’s portion as well, but hey, it wasn’t like Lindsey had a reason to complain so long as he helped her business flourish… right?

But when he did manage to eventually drag himself to his apartment, all he could do was stare blankly around, still standing at the entrance. He didn’t know when he closed the door, but it was shut behind him, so Jensen shrugged, and started to kick off his shoes. The action took much more time than it should have, because once Jensen crouched down to start unlacing them, he lost track of time, stopping in the middle of his actions. When he came to, he was staring at his untied boot and his other leg was starting to fall asleep. 

Jensen straightened, shoulders slumped, kicking off the unlaced boot, and then stopped when he realized he hadn’t gotten to the other one yet. 

He sighed. 

A few minutes later, a thoroughly worn out Jensen pushed himself into the kitchen, finally barefoot. Not bothering to turn on the lights, he grabbed a beer from the fridge in the dark, pausing as he stared at the open fridge. There were still several cans of beer left, but behind them, he could catch glimpses of food that was bound to start going bad if he didn’t eat soon. 

He briefly played around with the thought of perhaps grabbing the bread, making a light sandwich, but he started to gag at the mere thought of choking down food.

Jensen shut the fridge door firmly.

Uncapping the beer, he blindly made his way through the apartment. As he took a swig of the beer, he let his eyes slip shut, stumbling a little when he accidentally ran into a wall. Even that still wasn’t enough to prompt Jensen into opening his eyes, instead just letting his head droop whilst putting the cold bottle to his aching head, not that it helped. He’d long since learned to live with the headache that had been permeating him for god only knew how many days now. 

Drudging his feet all the way to the bedroom, he had enough lucidity to raise the bottle, keeping it upright as he collapsed onto the mattress. He may have not had an actual bed frame, but it wasn’t like he needed one anyway. 

Horizontal, he took a few more swigs, half the bottle slipping down his face and neck, making more of a mess than actually going in his mouth, but Jensen didn’t bother doing anything to change it as he fell asleep, the bottle only centimeters away from his mouth.

oOo

Jensen may have tried to rebuild a completely new life from the ground, but there was still one aspect of himself that he couldn’t change. So by sunrise, like usual, Jensen found himself staring at the ceiling of his apartment, unable to go back to sleep. Resigning himself to another long day, he got up and looked through bleary eyes at the mail that had been slipped under the front door. 

He started to crouch down, but ended up just sitting in front of the door instead, seated on the gritty doormat. He flipped through the ads with an eyebrow raised in question, wondering how he ended up with all these when he had signed up for next to nothing. Jensen came to a halt when he realized that the letter that he’d just dismissively put to the back was actually an official notice. With a frown, Jensen brought it back to the front so he could see it clearly.

_ Due Notice.  _

Shit. Was it – had it already been a month? Jensen wracked through his mind, mentally viewing a calendar he didn’t actually own. Even without actual paper in front of him, he could still view the day. The realization made Jensen want to slam himself in the head, which he would’ve done if he actually had the energy to do so.

First of a new month, and he’d completely forgotten about rent. 

Looks like he was going to have to ask Lindsey about his paycheck today. Jensen sighed internally. He hated asking about money. 

This was going to be fun. 

oOo

It was past noon and he still hadn’t gotten around to asking Lindsey about his paycheck. It probably did not help that he was giving himself a good excuse by burying himself under the hood of a disgustingly recent Prius. 

But of course, because luck was never really on Jensen’s side, DJ chose that moment to walk by, his ever-present grin on his face. 

“Hey Jensen! New month, new paycheck! Got any plans for tonight?” 

_ Try not get kicked out of my apartment, _ Jensen thought wryly to himself. Aloud though, he merely straightened and merely passed DJ a ghost of his carefree grin, “Not really. Why? You planning to throw a party?”

DJ tossed his head back as he let out a hoot of laughter. “Oh hell, nah! I may love people, but I’m not so good with the whole party planning thing. What I am good at, though, is knowing where to find a mean burger that will change your entire life,” DJ winked, an obvious invitation to go with him. 

Jensen couldn’t help but be the slightest bit impressed. It had been a while since he’d been able to make a burger, and if this were months ago, he would have bet DJ right then and there that he could beat whatever burger DJ was talking about. But it wasn’t, and right now, all he could think was the fact that he really needed to pay rent. 

Talking about needing to pay…

Jensen glanced around the workshop, spotting Lindsey through the window, frowning down at her computer screen. “That sounds great, DJ, but, uh. I actually got something to do tonight…” 

Perturbingly, DJ didn’t seem the slightest bit fazed. “That’s okay, I getcha man! Middle of the week, you’ve probably got plans, or, hell,” DJ laughed good-naturedly. “Just wanna hit the sack as soon as you get off work, huh?” DJ nodded knowingly, not really giving Jensen any time to reply. “That’s okay. We can do this Friday, so I’ll count on seeing you then, cowboy!” DJ tipped an imaginary hat, starting to walk backwards out of the workshop.

Jensen tried to voice out a warning, and yet, the stickman managed to not trip over a single object out of the many various ones scattered around the place. “I’m gonna go take my lunch break now. You should probably go get your own paycheck from Lindsey!”

And of course, he had to say that at the threshold between the workshop and the lobby where Lindsey was, so there was no way she could have missed what DJ just announced to the entire block.

With a sigh, Jensen straightened, grabbing a rag that would only make his hands dirtier, but wiping them on it anyway. Now was as good as a time as any.

“Hey,” Jensen said, his voice quiet. Inwardly wincing at himself, Jensen cleared his throat, but didn’t bother saying it again. He’d already caught Lindsey’s attention, his voice apparently carrying well over the loud racket the only fan in the room made. Despite working with machines on an almost daily basis, for some reason, Lindsey wouldn’t let him at the A/C machine, though it had broken since even before he’d started working at McKeon’s. “So, first of the month, DJ told me to check in…”

Lindsey immediately smiled. “‘Course, how could I forget.” She beckoned him forward, and nervously wringing the rag, he did so, still stopping a good few feet away, keeping the desk firmly in place between them. “Let’s see, Ackles…” She scrolled through her screen, before she leaned back, nodding with a satisfied look on her face. “Alright, I just checked. Your money’s been deposited, Jensen.” She smiled at him. “Congratulations on earning your first check with us. You most certainly earned it.” But then she raised an eyebrow, and although the happiness didn’t fade from her eyes, Jensen got the feeling that he’d suddenly done something very wrong. “But… Jensen, sweetie, you might wanna ease up on the extra hours.”

Unease crawling through his gut, Jensen only barely managed to return the smile, and forget reaching his eyes, his entire mouth felt numb through the process of nodding his head, just going along with her words for now.

He didn’t know if he could work less. It was the only thing that kept him occupied… but if it was having too many hours to himself in his apartment versus getting fired…

Honestly? They were both the same thing to Jensen, at this point.

oOo

True to her word, Lindsey had deposited his money, and keeping a wary eye out – wouldn’t do to get robbed, even though Jensen could already imagine it happening in his head – he made his way back to the apartment, stopping by the office.

Handing his part of his paycheck over to the receptionist felt like a small relief to his stomach, a lightness he hadn’t gotten to experience in a while. He still had a place to stay, probably could actually drag the money out to last a few more months even if he did get fired at this point.

For the first time in a month, Jensen allowed himself to raise his head instead of staring at the floor as he walked back to his apartment.

oOo

There was no way one could cross paths with one determined DJ Qualls. It was Friday, and Jensen had barely scrubbed the grease off his hands, keeping a wary eye out on an impatient DJ, before the man was dragging him out of the shop anyway, leading him through the streets. 

“Man, slow down, I ain’t going anywhere!” Jensen tried to say at one point, but it was as good as lost in the wind what with DJ not really slowing his pace.

Resigning himself to his fate, Jensen just tried his best to keep up at that point. At least he managed to keep an eye on his surroundings, so he wasn’t completely caught off guard when, instead of a hole-in-the-wall little place like he was expecting, DJ pulled him into a place that made Jensen abruptly very conscious of his grease stained jeans and t-shirt. 

It was also way more crowded than any burger place Jensen had ever been to. 

Firmly digging his heels into the ground, Jensen tapped into his muscles that he’d always been cautious of around DJ to actually pull the man to a stop.

“Dude,” Jensen hissed. And though he knew his eyes were wide and frenzied, reflecting the very emotion he could feel bubbling within him, there was nothing he could do about it, too busy as he was letting his eyes dart around, never stopping at one place ‘cause there was just. Too. Many. People.

Jensen stopped being a people person over a month ago. That was more Jar–

Shaking his head to clear  _ that _ line of thinking, Jensen turned to DJ. “What the hell is–where did you bring me, man?” He asked, not really doing a good job of trying to keep the panic out of his voice.

DJ glanced at him, and he must have finally noticed how absolutely out of his depths Jensen was, because he immediately softened in Jensen’s hold, his soulful eyes trained on Jensen’s. “I probably should have explained, there’s a cancer charity here. I’ve… I’ve been coming here every time they hold the function, made it my obligation after everything they’ve done for me, so…” 

It took only a second for Jensen to connect the dots, and when he did, his eyes widened, immediately feeling like shit for the way he’d been treating DJ – hell, for how he’d been viewing DJ since they met. 

“Shit, man, you–”

DJ smiled, for the first time, a hint of wryness tainting the normally genuine act. “Diagnosed with cancer at fourteen, emerged as a proud survivor.” He stated. 

“Oh.”

DJ looked away, and though the smile didn’t fade away, it wasn’t as large as it was at first. “So. Um. I guess you’re not good with crowds, and if you don’t want to stay–”

“No, no, no,” Jensen shook his head fervently. “No, man. It’s fine. I mean, I was caught off guard, but.” Jensen swallowed, trying to ignore the unease ticking right behind his eyes. “You said they made mean burgers here, right?” He asked, desperate to keep moving.

Thankfully, DJ took the bait, and went right along with the change in subject. 

DJ’s eyes glinted, and that’s all the warning Jensen got before he was being dragged once again that night to the front of the store, his coworker not stopping once to even get a breath of air in between his seemingly endless chattering. 

Gritting his teeth, Jensen prepared himself for what looked to be a long night.

oOo

Jensen wasn’t wrong. There didn’t have to be a clock in the place for Jensen to know that it was getting very late. Nah, his twitching hands did enough of that, anxious from being in a crowded space for too long. Though Jensen knew there was no way he was going to order anything alcoholic once the kids started to make an appearance, it still didn’t stop Jensen from desperately looking around anyway, as if something would magically appear as Jensen’s salvation. 

Salvation was the exact opposite of what actually happened.

Hell, Jensen would have rathered the night to go on as what he had been expecting. Stick around with DJ for a bit, maybe nurse another beer in silence, watch the kids prance around, gathering donations – Jensen certainly wasn’t stingy when a donation slip came to him, and he didn’t think twice before writing whatever was left in his bank account, rounding it off to the nearest thousand and letting whatever hundreds remained to stay in his account. He watched with a small smile – the first in a month – as the teenager’s eyes went round when she noticed the figure he wrote before depositing it in the donation box in her arms. He couldn’t blame her. A man looking as almost homeless as he did to write a four digit number was something even he wouldn’t have expected. 

Charity was supposed to be a good thing, right? 

So why did it seem like God had something out for Jensen, he wondered, when he abruptly found himself face to face with the second-to-last person he expected to see… but really wasn’t as surprised, considering their surroundings.

“Jensen?” Misha stared in disbelief at Jensen, as he meanwhile felt the entire world slipping away from him.

“M - Misha.” Jensen said quietly, quickly looking away and scanning the crowd for DJ. He grit his teeth. He couldn’t find DJ anywhere… but he trusted the guy not to be too upset if he left without saying something. Right? “I, uh. Sorry. Didn’t really expect to see you here,” Jensen muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. Staring down at his water, he swiftly downed it one go, unable to resist the urge to leave any longer. “I’ll just – I’ll get out of your sight.” Jensen said, setting the glass down without meeting his ex-friend’s eyes, turning around to do just that, when Misha’s voice stopped him.

“Wait.” Feeling like he’d just been assigned a death sentence at Misha’s request, Jensen’s gait hitched, but he kept going, desperation urging his feet to maneuver faster through the crowd. Hearing Misha shout after him only prompted Jensen to go faster, and when he finally exited the building, the cool night air was like ice in his lungs. 

Jensen paused, revelling in the sensation. Fuck it, he was going through all the beers in his fridge, screw preserv–

“Jensen!” 

Jensen cursed a blue streak in his mind. But there was no way he could run anymore… not when Misha had a firm grip on his arm. And though once upon a time Jensen had more weight that he could hold against Misha, all he had to rely on was whatever wrestling skills he’d picked up over the years, but he wasn’t going to try testing that against Misha’s… whatever the hell form of fighting style it was that he learned in the mountains.

“Don’t touch me,” Jensen snarled, shaking Misha’s arm, though his anger was belied by the panic in his voice. The shock reflected on Misha’s face was one he could feel within himself, but he couldn’t take it back, not when it felt like spiders were crawling up his arm where Misha’s hand touched him.

Swallowing, Jensen shivered, and realizing Misha’s eyes were on him, he tried to cover it up by pretending it was the cold. 

“Jens – man, you okay?”

Jensen’s head whipped around as he regarded Misha skeptically. He raised an eyebrow for extra measure, but then abruptly realized that he needed to tone it down. Face slumping along with the rest of his muscles, Jensen dragged a hand on his face, resigning himself to this conversation. “I – I’m doing… I,” Jensen sighed, giving up. 

He couldn’t do this. 

And that thought made something within him snap, horror growing in him as he realized his eyes were starting to water. A part of him inwardly groaning with shame at himself, Jensen wiped the tears away under the guise of rubbing his hand harshly over his face. “What do you want, Mish...Misha?”  

Misha continued staring at him for an agonizingly long moment, before something must have eventually registered in his brain, prompting him to break eye contact. The loss of it let Jensen take in a lungful of air – he hadn’t even realized he’d stopped breathing. 

“I don’t know. I mean. Jensen, it’s been a month, and. You moved.” Misha stated, pointedly gesturing at the city around them. Jensen couldn’t help the dry snort that escaped him at that. 

“Thanks for stating the obvious. Anything else?” Jensen asked, trying to control the ball of emotion that raged within him, wanting to break free. He needed to get away – he needed to leave,  _ right now. _

Misha’s eyes grew concerned. “You also look like hell, in case you haven’t noticed.” His tone was wry, but the concern, annoyingly, was still there.

Jensen looked away. 

“Why do you care?” He whispered, his words fading away with the night breeze. “It’s not like I don’t deserve it.” 

Silence.

“Jesus, Jensen…” Out of the corner of his eye, Jensen noticed Misha shaking his head. “Look. It’s – it’s been a month. And… sure. What you did? That was harsh – it was unforgivable, man.” 

Jensen flinched. He didn’t need someone else stating it when he had to deal with those thoughts every night. Hell, it was a wonder he hadn’t already combined just a little too much melatonin with his usual nightly routine of a few too many cans of beer to be safe.

Misha sighed. “But. It’s still been a month, and… you don’t look good. Hell, even Jared–”

Jensen closed his eyes.

No.

He couldn’t–

“He’s been doing great–”

He was going to throw up.

“But sometimes… there’s a part of him that’s broken, Jensen.”

_ And I’m the reason for that. _

Jensen collapsed. 

On his knees, his vision going gray, Jensen could only bow his head down. “I’m so fucking sorry.” He whispered to the cement floor. 

Misha let out a surprised noise, but he didn’t come any closer to Jensen. Though, when he spoke, there seemed to be some hesitancy in his voice. “You hurt him, hell, you hurt us all, Jensen. But… why did you move?”

Jensen stared unblinking at his knees for a few solid seconds before he managed to gain the energy to raise his head. “Why would I stay?” And slowly, tiredly, he pushed himself back to his feet. “It’s like you said. I hurt you, I hurt everyone. There wasn’t any reason to stay around any longer, was there?” 

Misha frowned. “You realize you’re making it sound like that was your plan, right?”

Jensen let out a harsh laugh, dragging his nails through his scalp as he raked his fingers through his hair. “If that had been my plan, Misha, then why do I feel like I’ve lost everything, hm? Like I lost my entire world… and now… now I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.” Jensen looked at Misha helplessly. “I just don’t know.” He repeated weakly.

Misha was absolutely still. Jensen waited for him to say something, anything, but when it seemed like Misha was content with just standing there mimicking a statue, Jensen gave up, turning around, his mind already on the abundance of beer that was waiting with open arms for him. 

“Wait!” 

The sound of running footsteps had Jensen stiffening, flinching when a hand on his shoulder forced him to turn around, but before he could do anything about it, the hand was already slipping away. 

“Jensen,” Misha looked right into Jensen’s eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Jensen raised his eyebrows. “Are you–” Gritting his teeth, Jensen shoved Misha, making him stumble a few steps backward, giving Jensen the much needed space he needed to be able to breathe freely again. “I cheated on my fiance!” He shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. “I ruined the one good thing in my entire life, is that what you want me to say, Misha? ‘Cause fine! I slept with someone that wasn’t my fiance, and destroyed  _ everything!  _ So let me deal with the repercussions of my own actions, 'cause after all," Jensen let out a harsh bark of laughter, scrubbing his hand over his face, dragging his nails over his cheek in the process. 

The stinging sensation on his flesh distracted Jensen enough to be able to push through the next few words. "Isn't that how it's supposed to go?"He finished, his arms dropping to his sides, his chest heaving. He was breathing hard, but oxygen couldn’t seem to reach his lungs properly, and Jensen needed to get out of here  _ days ago. _

Shaking his head, Jensen started to do just that. He’d spoken his part, he let Misha destroy the last chance of anything even remotely to peace that Jensen would have been able to find, and frankly, Jensen felt like he’d entertained whoever was upstairs quite enough.

He left Misha like that, standing in the middle of street, staring at his back as Jensen walked away.

oOo

Saturday passed in a haze of alcohol.

Sunday was spent bent over the toilet.

Monday, Jensen barely managed to get out of bed in time to make it before opening. It seemed like Lindsey was going to beat him in setting up shop for the first time since he’d been employed. 

He barely made it in time, but Jensen didn’t get the chance to even look through his paperwork for the day before DJ was cornering him.

“Hey,” The ever present smile was a lot better than from yesterday, but there was something in DJ’s eyes that made Jensen’s skin itch. 

“Morning,” He gruffly replied. 

“I, uh,” DJ leaned casually against Jensen’s workstation, prompting the latter to raise his eyebrows at him. Swallowing, DJ spoke. “Noticed you left kinda swiftly Friday night. Couldn’t help but check on you, saw you talking with someone…” 

Jensen fought the urge to groan aloud. 

“Yeah, uh. Guy thought he recognized me,” Jensen tried to lie, but DJ’s stare brought him up short. 

“You seemed upset.” And then DJ leaned forward, his voice lowering. “Was whoever talking to you last night causing you trouble?”

Jensen opened his mouth, and then paused, blanching. “Uh–what?”

DJ looked at him with a great amount of patience and understanding written all over his face. The itch under his skin intensified. “Hey, if you need some help, I might not look like much, but I do know how to hide a body.”

Jensen’s eyebrows skyrocketed, and because there just couldn’t have been any more of a perfect timing, Lindsey chose that moment to enter. 

“Did I just hear something about needing to hide a body?”

Jensen whirled around, ready to give an explanation, when DJ spoke up for him instead. 

“Someone’s picking on our boy, boss.” And before Jensen could let DJ know what exactly he thought about being called  _ DJ’s boy, _ the man just kept plowing on. “Was asking him if he needed help taking care of it.”

“Uh, no. There’s nothing to take care of, really–”

Lindsey turning to regard Jensen was all she needed to do to shut him up. “Someone was bothering you?”

And really, there was no way he could lie to that harsh look that had Jensen ready to literally jump out of his bones. Resigned Jensen sighed. “Just… someone from my past.” He admitted.

Lindsey’s eyebrows raised, but DJ’s reaction was a lot more comical, the man’s eyes going wide as he straightened. “Oh, buddy, are you an escaped convict?”

Sometimes, DJ never failed to astonish Jensen.

He couldn’t even control his double take, before he hastened to reassure his boss. If he was going to get fired because of an accusation, he’d rather it not be because he’d been counting bars. “No – No!” Jensen threw up his hands, trying to stop them from talking in order to give him some time to explain himself. 

“It’s. I just.”  _ Fuck.  _ Jensen rubbed a hand over his weary face. “The guy you saw – he used to be a friend. Until I slept with someone else. That wasn’t my fiance.” Swallowing the bile, Jensen carefully avoided the others’ eyes. “Engagement was called off, needless to say. All my friends didn’t want anything to do with me, and I had nothing else holding me down there, and couldn’t really… didn’t want to bother them. So I moved here.” He shrugged, looking down as he leaned against the workstation behind him. “If you have a problem with that…” 

DJ was the first to break the silence. “...I’m guessing you weren’t in love with the sidechick?”

Jensen paused, abruptly realizing something that was only going to make his matters a lot worse, most likely. “Uh. Side dude, I guess. And no. Hell, I don’t even know who the guy was,  _ fuck,  _ I still don’t even remember how the hell I got in bed with him, but. It happened.” Jensen nodded, eyes fixed on the ground as he waited for the inevitable fallout.

He couldn’t say he didn’t see it coming.

But when Lindsey spoke, the next words she uttered was something he genuinely did not see coming. 

“You don’t remember anything? Like,  _ anything?”  _ She stressed the last word.

Jensen looked up. That… did not sound like the righteous anger he had been expecting. “...No?” He said carefully.

The abject look of terror wasn’t just on Lindsey’s face, but on DJ’s as well, though it was a little slower to dawn on the latter.

Jensen looked between the two, trying to understand what was going on.

“I mean, it happened a month ago, but… yeah. For the life of me I still can’t remember -” Jensen stopped, his throat working as he tried to ground himself. The careful detachment he’d been donning suddenly abandoned him, and he didn’t know where it had gone. “I still can’t remember what I was thinking, to have slept with someone other than J-” He looked away, blinking furiously to fight back the tears.

It had been a month and Jensen still couldn’t bring himself to say his name. 

Arms wrapping themselves around Jensen brought him back to the present, and he wildly flailed around for a second before he realized that DJ was hugging him. 

To say that he was confused was an understatement. 

Before he could voice it, however, DJ let go of Jensen as abruptly as he began the hug, and walked away from the workshop, but not before Jensen caught a glimpse of DJ wiping away a tear. 

Confused, he turned to look at Lindsey. “What just happened? I tell you I cheated on my fiance and… DJ acted like someone died?”

Lindsey just stared at him, looking as miserable as DJ, before she silently shook her head and walked out as well. 

Jensen stared helplessly, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, as they walked away from him, terrified that he had just lost his job, as well as the only two good things he’d had in Amarillo.

oOo

Ever since he’d seen Jensen at Amarillo of all places, Misha couldn’t shake off this feeling of unease that had decided to settle deep within his bones. Because of that, though the dingy bar really wasn’t his usual scene, he’d found himself there every night since he’d returned, much to Vicki’s worry. 

Misha sighed. His wife was a blessing. All she’d done was take one good look at him, before promising that she’d be there to talk whenever Misha was ready.

Thing was, Misha didn’t know what he wasn’t ready to talk about.

He looked down at his phone, placed on the table in front of him. He’d have hoped he would figure out at least something to say by the time Jared got here, but it was looking more and more likely that he was probably just going to have to come up with something on the spot.

Fingering the rim of his empty glass, Misha raised his hand, signalling to the bartender for another round, just as someone slipped into the empty barstool beside him.

“Get two of whatever he ordered,” the man said in a silky voice when the bartender had turned towards Misha, drawing both of their stares to focus on the stranger instead. “And put it under my tab,” He grinned, his perfectly white teeth already making Misha uncomfortable, but it became worse when Misha realized it had been abruptly turned towards him.

“Uh,” Misha said, uncertainly looking at the newcomer, but it didn’t seem to faze the guy at all.

“Name’s Brandon,” He introduced himself, sticking out his hand. “And you are?”

Reluctantly, Misha shook the outstretched limb. “Misha,” he replied simply. No need to offer a last name at a skeezy bar, and most certainly not when the other man didn’t. 

Brandon beamed harder. 

Misha glanced down, looking pointedly at their still connected hands. After an awkward second, the guy got the hint, and finally let go. Severely uncomfortable at this point, Misha wiped his palm on his jeans. 

“So what’s a hot thing like you doing at a place like this on a fine Monday evening?” Brandon inquired, just as the bartender came to them with their drinks.

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Misha instead took the glass that Brandon pushed towards him with a polite smile. “Needed some peace and quiet to think,” He said, not so subtly. “Thought this would be a good place to be left alone.”

Even a child couldn’t have missed the underlying dig, so Misha was – not taken aback, rather, getting increasingly infuriated when Brandon refused to take the hint. “Well, you couldn’t have come to a better place,” Brandon lifted his glass, raising it in acknowledgement. “As a certified bar-hopper myself, I’d like to say this one’s got its perks, despite the environment.” He casted a fond look at his surroundings, as if to back up his words, and by then, Misha decided to call it a lost cause.

Deciding to down his drink in one go and make his leave, he started to raise his glass to his mouth, but then stopped as the smell hit him.

Slowly, he put the glass back down. 

“It was nice meeting you, but I have to take my leave now,” Misha said, casting Brandon a wary smile. His senses ratcheted up a notch when Brandon started to rise as well. Downing the rest of his drink, Brandon slammed his glass on the counter, barely managing to avoid shattering it.

“Mind if I accompany you?”

Misha straightened. “I’d rather you didn’t.” He stated calmly. 

That finally elicited a reaction out of Brandon, as he visibly reared back in surprise. “Man, you sure? I mean, you’ve been here a while. I don’t mind walking you out, you know, just to like, walk alongside you. The night can be a scary time, right?” Brandon gave a fake laugh, trying to slide closer to Misha. 

“I suppose it would, if I didn’t have my senses about.” Misha replied, and yeah, by now, everyone in the bar was definitely paying attention to the two. 

Brandon frowned, but Misha didn’t miss the way the man’s eyes darted to the side, as if abruptly aware of the crowd they’d garnered. Dimly, Misha registered the sound of the bar doors opening, admitting new customers.

Well, least the bartender couldn’t say that they were chasing out business.

“Alright, I mean. If you’re sure you’re sober–”

“Misha?” 

Head snapping to the side, it took only the briefest of seconds for Misha to realize that he needed to lift his head as well to be able to see the man that had approached him, and never before had Misha felt as relieved as he did know to have to look up to meet Jared’s eyes.

“Jared.” Misha greeted, a small genuine smile spreading his lips for the first time that night. “Good to see yo–”

Jared turned to see who Misha had been talking to, when he abruptly froze, his face going pale. “You.”

Brandon turned to look at Jared, a blank look on his face. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

Jared growled, shoving at Brandon. And though Misha could tell that Jared was definitely holding himself back, that didn’t stop Brandon from stumbling backwards, barely maintaining his balance. “Just–stay the fuck away from my friends and me, you clear?” Jared said, getting up in Brandon’s face. 

To Misha’s confusion, Brandon started to grin – maniacally so. “You–you’re that dude’s fiance, aren’t you? Oh man, I had fun screwing that tight little hole,” Brandon smirked. “He made the cutest little noises when he started to play along and pretend like he didn’t want it.”

The crowd went wild as lights and noises erupted.

When it died down, Misha was surprised to find himself in the center of it all, Jared behind him… and Brandon a heap on the floor at his feet, unconscious. Blood trickled from his rapidly swelling nose, and that’s when Misha registered the sharp sting in his knuckles.

Staring at his fist in disbelief, his ears started to ring.

“–sha? Misha!” Jared’s hand landing heavily on his shoulder brought Misha back to the present, but when Jared started to shake him, trying to get Misha to say something, Misha broke free from Jared’s hold. 

Without looking at anyone, not Jared nor even Brandon, Misha walked out of the bar.

oOo

_ “Heat of the moment!” _

Jensen threw his alarm across the room without even bothering to lift his head from the mattress.

As the machine crashed, Jensen buried his face into his pillow, groaning. He didn’t emerge until his body was ready to black out from the lack of exhaustion. 

Well. As far as he was aware, he hadn’t received a red slip yet, but there was still the chance he was going to get one as soon as he walked in. 

Jensen pushed himself to a seated position, pulling his knees to his chest. Huddled in a ball, he let his head rest against his knees. Still, there wasn’t any use putting it off, and the sooner he got it over with, the sooner he could start and finish wallowing over it so that he could start looking for another job.

If he ever managed to get out of bed again, that is.

oOo

No matter how much Jensen procrastinated, he still entered Mckeon’s just as the clock struck seven. With his heart in his throat, Jensen walked up to Lindsey.

“Hey, Jensen,” She said, not looking up from where she was smacking the A/C remote against the palm of her hand, stopping only to aim it at the uncooperative machine every now and then, before resuming to hit it again. “We’ve got a Ford for you to work on first today. Told old man Williams to ease up on the gas pedal, but he never listens, does he?” Lindsey absently muttered, glaring at the A/C remote. Too focused on it as she was, she therefore completely missed Jensen’s slack-jawed face. 

“I...you’re not… you’re fine with me still working here?” Jensen stuttered.

That prompted Lindsey to look up, her eyes slightly unfocused but rapidly regaining clarity as her face morphed into that of perplexition. “Why would I not be okay with you working? You’ve been doing a good job – is there some sort of car hidden behind the shop that I should know about?”

“I – okay, first off, no,” Jensen shook his head. “Not hiding any cars or anything. But, no. I meant, after what I said yesterday. I mean… what I did wasn’t…” Jensen sighed. “Look, I would understand if you or DJ weren’t comfortable with me working here after telling you –”

“That you’re gay?” Lindsey cut in, looking faintly amused. “‘Cause sweetie, we might be a small conservative town, but believe me when I say I’ve had my fair share of fun in my college years.” She winked at him, before looking back to the remote still in her hand. “So now that we’ve got that cleared up, shoo. Williams won’t be happy if he finds out we’re definitely nowhere near done when he drops by. Though really, no amount of tinkering could ever save that pickup truck from its ultimate demise,” She cheerily stated as she went back to aiming it at the machine.

Jensen stared. 

When it looked like Lindsey genuinely had nothing more to say, or that she would abruptly turn around yelling a ‘Psych! Here’s your notice,’ he made his way to the back of the office, into the employee’s changing room, feeling disoriented.

Guess… he still had his job after all.

He didn’t notice Lindsey putting down her remote to look at his retreating back with a sad frown tainting her previously happy features.

oOo

Jared couldn’t concentrate on work. Which was saying a lot, because ever since he’d joined the law firm, not a day went by where he didn’t put his best effort into whatever goal he had set in mind. There wasn’t any other way the name ‘Padalecki’ could have gotten as renown as it did.

However, today, work was the last thing Jared could focus on. With last night event’s playing on repeat in his head, it took Jared until noon, when his PA stuck her head in to check in on him, to realize that he’d only been staring at his computer screen for the entire time. 

Jared snapped. 

Reaching for his cell, he was dialling Misha’s number before he was even conscious of his actions. He impatiently waited as the line rang, and the moment it stopped, he was speaking before the person at the other end of the line had the chance to edge a greeting in. 

“Misha, what the hell?”

There was a pause that only served to increase Jared’s agitation. But when the voice on the other end spoke, Jared very quickly felt like an idiot.

“This is Vicki…” 

He could have smacked himself for forgetting basic phone etiquette, but seeing as he’d temporarily forgotten how to be a hardworking lawyer, there wasn’t much Jared could do. “Sorry, Vicki. Is Misha there?”

Another pause.

“He is… but he’s… not feeling too well, actually. Had to call in sick.”

Jared narrowed his eyes. “Sick.” He repeated. 

“Yeah. Sick.” She didn’t sound convincing at all. “Do you want me to give him a message?”

Jared sighing, his eyes closing. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he leaned back in his chair. “No–you know what, nah, I’ll just call him back later.”

As soon as he heard Vicki giving her reluctant yet positive response, Jared disconnected the call, tossing his phone on his desk. 

A minute ticked by.

Jared bolted upright in his seat, staring unseeingly at a wall for a moment, before he was spinning his chair towards the computer, pulling him closer to the desk even as he turned the computer back on. 

Flicking through webpages, Jared pulled up his office’s site, knowing it would grant him access to anyone with even a speeding ticket on their record, and paused, before he typed in the name he could still remember hearing the crowd yelling.

It wasn’t much, but Jared wasn’t disappointed when out of the few ‘Brandons’ that showed up, the one he was looking for was not only within that list, but also telling Jared everything he needed to know.

With a sinking feeling in his gut, Jared went through the brief yet nauseating record.

Multiple reports of non-consensual administration of Rohypnol and sexual abuse.

oOo

The door was practically shaking, but Jared couldn’t bring himself to restrain his fists as he continued pounding on it.

He only stopped when it finally opened, revealing a thoroughly pissed looking Misha. 

“You better have a damn good reason for almost breaking my front door.” Misha stated, but his words went right over Jared’s head.

“Why did you deck Brandon?” Jared asked, his body vibrating with tension. 

Misha blanched. And then he grimaced, looking away as he pursed his lips. 

“Guess you better come in,” Misha held the door open wider, granting Jared the space to enter.

After a suspicious look at his friend, Jared stepping inside.

Hearing Misha close the door behind him, Jared took a moment to look around. “Where’s Vicki?”

“Out with the kids.” Misha replied simply, before leading the way into his kitchen. Jared didn’t bother with pleasantries, simply seating himself at the barstool behind the island, not pausing to take off his coat. In his defense, his mind was far too occupied for that, but not enough to miss the bottle of whiskey right in front of him, besides a half full glass.

Jared raised an eyebrow at Misha when the latter wordlessly put another glass in front of him. After a brief pause, Misha opened his mouth. “You’re gonna need this.”

Misha leaned against the island across from him, gesturing pointedly at the bottle, prompting Jared to fill himself a glass. Nodding, Misha finally took what he must have been drinking before Jared came, and downed his own drink in one go. 

Jared’s eyebrows raised ever higher. 

“Remember when I went to Amarillo last week?” Misha said out of the blue, looking down at his glass. 

Jared nodded, fingering the rim of his glass. He didn’t bother drinking from it yet, not when he didn’t have a reason to get drunk when the sun was still up.

“Yeah, some sort of charity event for kids with cancer, right?” Jared prodded.

Nodding again, Misha sighed. “I ran into Jensen at the event.”

And. 

Out of everything Jared expected Misha to say… the name of his… _ ex- _ fiance was the last thing he expected to hear.

And yet, some part of him was still unsurprised, as if he’d already known that this is where their conversation was inevitably going to end up at.

That didn't help Jared from stiffening in reaction to hearing... his name after so long of purposefully making sure he wouldn't happen upon it easily.    
  
"Ok." And now he took a sip of the whiskey, closing his eyes and focusing on the burn. "So?"   
  
Misha inhaled sharply, crossing his arms.    
  
"Brandon tried to drug my drink."

But then Misha shook his head. "No, he didn't try. He did drug my drink. I only barely managed to catch a whiff of it, however, and that's the only reason I'm not in my bed right now with no recollection of what happened to have led me to waking up besides someone that wasn't my wife."

Jared came to a still. He knew what Misha was going to say, but there was still a part of him that was desperately begging Misha to prove him wrong.

"Jensen still claims he has no idea about what happened the night--you know. That night." Misha finished quietly. He downed his refilled glass in one go, and after a few seconds lag, Jared started to mirror the action -- but then his hand redirected halfway through its path, and the sound of glass shattering against the far wall had Misha flinching, but he still continued to stare down at his own intact glass morosely.

Jared abruptly stood, the barstool clattering loudly as it slid back. Walking around it, Jared took a few steps, his hands going through his hair, tugging harshly at his roots as he squeezed his eyes shut. A second passed, two, three, and still, none of them spoke, until eventually, Jared turned around.

"What did he say?" He didn't need to clarify for Misha to stare at him, letting Jared see how much heartbreak was written all over his friend's face.    
  
"He said that he ruined the one good thing that ever happened to him. And to leave him to deal with his actions."   
  
Jared's vision clouded as tears started to well up in his eyes.    
  
"He didn't look as... carefree. As a man who broke his own engagement would have. In his circumstances."

oOo

Jared didn't know how he got home. All he remembered was, one second he was in front of Misha, trying not to break down. And the next, he was in the living room, upturning the coffee table. It barely landed before Jared was moving, a small ottoman flying through the air to collide with the mounted flat screen TV. Jared kept walking, chairs and tables and vases in his path brought to ruin. 

His mind blacked out again. This time, when he came to, Jared was bent over the toilet, gagging harshly as he upended everything he'd consumed that day.   
  
Distantly, a statue continued to teeter, before crashing to the ground, shattering into millions of tiny pieces.

oOo

Oddly enough, everything seemed to go back to normal. 

Which should have been reassuring, but Jensen honestly couldn’t say that he wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop. While Lindsey and DJ continued to treat him as they usually would… Except, no, they kind of didn’t.

Not that things had changed, albeit minutely, for the worse. Instead, Jensen found DJ constantly hovering, making sure Jensen knew he was there. It should have been intimidating, but DJ seemed to have this natural characteristic about him that made it anything but.

And Lindsey?

Jensen was starting to forget that she was his employer, which was not a good thing for himself. She seemed more prone to drop in side the workshop, actively engaging them in conversation, be it bemoaning the accounts she has to constantly stare at, or judging the way they fixed her engine.

He actually should have seen it coming, ever since the first time she eyed his method of dealing with a car from the first day itself. But no, Jensen just had to walk into it himself.

“On your marks,” DJ exclaimed, staring at the timer in his hands with no small amounts of glee on his face.

Beside him, Lindsey shot him a smirk, exuding confidence even in the overalls Jensen never thought he’d see his employer wearing.

“Get set!”

Jensen swallowed. Either he lost, and he’d probably get a ribbing of his life. Or he won, and quite possibly lost his job.

What the hell was Jensen’s life?

“Go!” 

They bent forward, and starting working.

As soon as Jensen’s hands touched the engine, his mind calmed. Only moments before had he been too aware of his surroundings, of the company, but now that he was focused on the car in front of him, figuring out what was wrong and what needed to be fixed? Everything around him fell away as he centered in on the one thing Jensen knew he could fix, that he could control.

Hands working smoothly, Jensen didn’t even take a moment’s pause to glance over at his competition, not even when he had to stand and turn to switch tools.

A little tweak here.

A twist there.

Clean out that particular tube.

Tighten that screw.

Touch the wires…

The car revved to life, and Jensen tuned back into his surroundings just in time to realize that Lindsey’s car was starting up too, pretty much at the exact same time.

A tie.

DJ yelled, throwing his arms up in the air as his face practically split apart to accommodate his signature DJ grin.

“You guys tied!” He exclaimed, and though Lindsey sent him an appraising look, Jensen took a deep breath as he finally felt the heavy weight lift from his shoulders. 

“I guess I’m not bad after all,” Jensen declared, abandoning his tools in favor of grabbing a rag. 

Lindsey raised her eyebrows at him. “Guess not.” And then she grinned, turning to DJ. 

“So. Guess the tab’s on me tonight, huh?”

She barely got the words out before the tinkling of a bell alerted them to a customer entering the building, and Lindsey groaned. “Well. I guess that’s the end of my stint as a mechanic. Y’all get back to what I hired you to do while I… go do what I told myself I’d do.” With the three of them sharing a grin, she left their workstation to greet the client.

Turning back to the car he was working on, Jensen regarded it for a second before nodding to himself and closing the hood, seeing DJ doing the same from his peripherals. Pulling the key out of the ignition, he grabbed the paperwork for his car and Lindsey’s as well, already starting to fill it up, absently grabbing the other car’s keys from DJ as he headed out of the workstation to hand the papers to Lindsey.

Busy as he was looking at what he was writing, that didn’t prevent him from noticing the absolutely eerie silence in the room. Looking up, Jensen’s heart stopped.

“Jen?”

“J-Jared?” His hands went limp, the papers fluttering to the ground as his arms fell to his sides. 

Lindsey’s eyes sharpened. “Jensen? You know this man?” She asked, but her eyes were narrowed onto Jared.

Dumbly, all Jensen could manage was to nod. He tried to speak, but there was nothing to say. How would he be able to say how he knew Jared, the man he loved with all his heart – whom he  _ still  _ loved with all his heart, shattered as it may be now. 

But when it became blindingly clear that Jensen wasn’t going to say anymore, Jared took a step closer.

Jensen unwittingly took a step back.

Jared froze, his face anguished.

Jensen looked away. He couldn’t breathe, his throat felt tight, and sweat was already starting to drip down the back of his neck.

“Jen–”

“Listen, sir.” Lindsey stepped out from behind the counter, standing right in between Jared and Jensen, preventing Jared from coming any closer. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises.”

Jared finally turned to look at the woman who was a good foot shorter than him. He narrowed his eyes. “On what basis?”

Lindsey straightened. “On the basis that you’re frightening one of my employers, and I will not stand for that in my office. So if you will,” Lindsey pointed to the exit, not once backing down despite being the sole center of Jared’s glare.

It didn’t last long, though, because Jared’s eyes softened as he turned to look at Jensen over Lindsey’s shoulder. “Jen, I just want to talk to you,” And dammit, Jensen swallowed as Jared turned the full force of his puppy eyes on him. “Please.”

Although he knew that there was no way this was going to end well for him, Jensen found himself nodding anyway.

“It’s okay, Lindsey,” He stepped forward, placing a placating hand on her shoulder, letting her outstretched arm drop back to her side. “I’ll… I’ll be back.”

Jared shot him a look that Jensen wasn’t able to decipher. 

Softening under his touch, Lindsey turned to look at him. “You sure?”

Jensen found himself melting under her concerned gaze. There was no reason for her to be so worried for him, and yet, the fact that she still was… it confounded Jensen. He genuinely wasn’t sure what to do with the sudden realization that Lindsey… his boss… actually cared for him?

“I’m sure.”

With a sigh, Lindsey stepped away. “If you need anything, I’m only a call away. And I’ll be expecting you back by closing,” She shot another glare at Jared before turning back to Jensen, her face soft again. “Okay?”

Jensen nodded, before turning back to Jared. As much as he tried to lift his head, he couldn’t meet his eyes, and eventually had to settle for just staring at Jared’s shoulders. 

Mouth dry, he gestured for Jared to lead the way.

Casting one last look at Jensen, Jared turned, striding across the office in brisk steps, holding the door open for Jensen.

Feeling like he was heading for the gallows, Jensen ducked his head down and followed.

oOo

They silently made their way to Jared’s car, and once inside, Jared paused, his hands on the steering wheel. 

Jensen resolutely stared at his grimy hands tucked firmly atop his lap. 

Instead of starting up the car, like Jensen was waiting for, Jared abruptly let his head drop to the steering wheel.

Jensen didn’t dare to say anything, letting Jared take the lead here. Finally, after long agonizing moments, Jared straightened, his fists clenching the steering wheel tightly. “You never… we never talked about it.”

The air got stuck in Jensen’s throat. “We didn’t have to.” He rasped out.

From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Jared’s jaw clenching. He flinched at the sight. Unfortunately, the action drew Jared’s gaze onto him, and Jensen screwed his eyes shut. 

“Jens,” Jensen jumped as a warm, clean hand enveloped both of his dirty ones. 

Tears welled up behind his eyelids without his permission. 

“We should have,” Jared suddenly whispered. “I should have trusted you.”

Jensen looked up at Jared, confused. “What–” He was shocked to see that Jared was already ahead of him, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Jared?”

Jared’s face crumbled, and abruptly, he lunged forward. 

Jensen had only a brief second to suck in a startled breath of air before Jared was wrapping himself around Jensen, his mouth immediately suctioning onto Jensen’s neck right under his ear. With a huff, Jensen was thrown backwards, and he would have collided painfully with the car door had Jared not blanketed his back with his arms. 

Jensen froze, his watery eyes staring at the ceiling of the car. Nausea bubbled up his throat, his fingers uselessly wriggling in his lap, under Jared. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jared whispered, still pressed against Jensen’s neck. His hair tickled Jensen’s nose, and his skin was smeared with Jared’s tears. “I’m so, so  _ sorry, _ ” Jared took a shuddering breath, and then let out a broken sob.

Still staring at the ceiling, Jensen let his own tears fall silently. 

They stayed like that for minutes, maybe even hours, Jensen not moving an inch even as he felt his limbs slowly starting to fall asleep under Jared’s weight.

But when Jared’s cries started to die down, although Jensen could still feel the tears coming, drenching the side of his neck, Jensen opened his mouth. 

“Wh-what are you apologizing for?” Jensen asked quietly. Slowly, Jared lifted himself to look at Jensen, though he didn’t go too far, not letting their torsos separate.

“Jen…” Jared closed his eyes, leaning forward, pressing his forehead against Jensen’s. “It never was your fault.” Jared whispered. “I shouldn’t have, god, Jensen.” Jared shook his head slightly, his eyes scrunching. “I never should have reacted like that.”

His heart screaming for clarity, Jensen parted his lips, wetting them with his tongue first before he was able to speak. “You found me in bed with s-someone else, Jared.” 

Jared was already shaking his head more fervently now, one of his giant palms coming up to cradle Jensen’s face. 

“You reacted just like anyone else would have.” Jensen whispered. New tears welled up again as he drew his eyebrows together in confusion. “Jared, what’s going on? Why-why are you here?”

Jared let out a shuddery sigh. “I should have talked to you that day itself.” Jared’s other hand tightened around Jensen’s waist. “I should have realized – I should have  _ known  _ that you would have never done–never would have cheated–” Jared stopped, his lips pressing together into a flat line. “I’m sorry,” He whispered into the small gap between them.

“But I did.” Jensen said, feeling queasy. “I did cheat on you, Jared.”

“No!” Jared suddenly yelled, his eyes flying open as he stared at Jensen, letting him see the absolute agony in them. “God, no, I–” Shaking his head, Jared surged forward, and pressed his lips to Jensen’s.

Jensen gasped, his muscles tensing as his eyes widened. And then Jared licked his lips, and Jensen was gone. 

Melting under his touch, forever submitting no matter what, Jensen’s eyes slipped close, easily opening his mouth under Jared’s questful tongue. Letting him in, he finally raised his hands to grab a hold of Jared’s broad shoulders. They didn’t need to battle for dominance, not when Jensen willingly submitted. He let Jared take lead, and when Jared finally pulled back for breath, Jensen let him go, but he didn’t go far, letting their spit-slicked lips stay connected with a string of saliva. Their chests heaved as they tried to bring the air back into their lungs, and Jensen was all too aware of Jared’s hardened nippled brushing against his even through their thick clothes every time they inhaled in perfect synchronization.

In perfect synchronization, even after all these months apart, Jensen realized, his heart aching painfully.

“You should hate me.” Jensen muttered.

Jared let out an anguished sound. “God, no, Jen. I couldn’t–I can’t hate you.”

Jensen snapped. Pulling back, he shoved at Jared’s shoulders, trying to ignore how Jared willingly let himself be pushed away, putting some proper distance between them.

“Why?” Jensen demanded. “You were mad, everyone was mad – hell, I’m still mad at myself, Jared! So why are you here? What, do you want to try again?” As much as he started out shouting, by the time he finished, Jensen sobbed, because there was no way,  _ no way  _ Jared would want to try anything again with him, not if he was in his right mind. “Or do you want to get revenge? Why are you here, Jared?” Jensen screamed through his tears.

His own face equally wet, Jared stared at Jensen with bloodshot eyes. “Because if anyone made the mistake here, it was me for not having decked that guy for taking advantage of you.”

Jensen’s world came to a crashing halt.

“What?”

Jared’s face crumbled, as if he hadn’t wanted to say that. “I–The guy. Brandon,” Jared sneered his name, looking out through the windshield. “He. Misha came across him. Tried to drug Mish’s drink.”

Jensen stared at Jared in growing horror as he kept speaking, not once meeting Jensen’s gaze. Jared’s eyes were cloudy as he kept staring outside.

“Guy has a long list of convictions for… drugging. And. Abuse.” Jared’s voice cracked on the last word as he finally closed his eyes. He dragged a hand over his face, covering him from Jensen’s view, before he finally let his hand slip back down. “I never should have let you go.” He whispered to the dashboard.

oOo

Jensen felt numb. 

Jared kept shooting him worried looks as he drove to Jensen’s apartment, and at least the former had the mind to tell Lindsey first that he was taking Jensen home. Of course, none of that really mattered when Lindsey didn’t believe a word from Jared until Jensen snatched the phone from him, mumbling a few words before disconnecting the call. He only had a vague recollection of telling her that he was fine and needed the day off, but apart from that, everything was just as fuzzy as it was when Jensen let himself into his apartment. 

Hearing Jared come in after him, Jensen continued walking, kicking off his boots and coat as he went. Jared tried calling out to him, but Jensen ignored him as he headed straight for the bathroom. He crouched against the toilet first, and promptly threw up. 

Gagging, Jensen sobbed as the bile he’d been feeling for most of the day was finally released. His head dropped to the porcelain toilet seat, except the smell only triggered Jensen into vomiting yet again.

The heavy weight of Jared’s arm falling around his shoulders had Jensen stiffening, and spitting harshly, Jensen stood, shrugging Jared’s arm off him.

“Jen–”

Stumbling to the bathtub, he harshly yanked the drapes out of the way, stepping into the tub, and turned the cold water on to full blast.

“Jensen!” Jared reached for him, but when Jensen flinched, his head drooping as he practically shoved himself into the wall in order to get away from Jared, Jared stopped, his hand dropping. 

“Jen, you’re gonna freeze,” Jared tried, his voice soft and beseeching. Sure enough, Jensen was already starting to shiver as his work clothes started to get heavy under the cold water, trapping him in the frigid temperature.

His teeth started to chatter, but Jensen didn’t move away from under the ice cold spray.

Although the sound of the water hitting the floor was deafening to Jensen, he could still hear Jared letting out a sigh, and then the muffled noise of clothes rustling.

Jensen blinked. The tips of his fingers and nose was starting to go numb.

He closed his eyes, and focused on the feeling.

Wrapped up in the sensation as he was, Jensen jumped when long arms wrapped around his torso. And then he started screaming.

“Let me go! Let me go, let me go,  _ let me go!”  _ But Jared only held on stronger, and Jensen fell to his knees, Jared holding on the entire time as Jensen dropped to the wet floor, sobbing loudly. Punching the ground with a fist, pain searing up his skin, Jensen felt Jared crying against his shoulder as well, the tears distinctive from the water, and his fist loosened until he was slapping the floor instead with his palm.

Jensen howled.

oOo

He must have passed out at one point.

When he came to, Jensen blinked, disoriented. His head felt heavy, his mouth tasted like something died inside, and his entire body was sore, his fingers and toes tingling.

Jensen tried moving his head, and instantly stopped, his eyes squeezing shut as the action made his head pound. He tried to feel for his forehead, but then stopped when he realized he was too firmly bundled up in his blanket.

Jensen groaned.

“Jens?”

Jared’s voice was too close, too loud. 

Jensen winced, turning his head to bury part of his face into his pillow.

With an apologetic sound, Jensen could feel Jared lean off the bed, before coming closer again.

“I’ve got some aspirin for your headache, sweetheart.”

Unbidden, tears popped up behind his closed eyes at the nickname. It had been so long…

Jensen mentally shook his head. He was sick and tired of crying, so gritting his teeth, he tried to will them away.

Jared’s warm hand slipped under his neck without warning, causing Jensen to sharply inhale. But he only helped Jensen sit up, letting Jensen leave his eyes closed as he leaned his back against Jared’s chest. 

The warmth and comfort caused a familiar rumble in his stomach, one Jensen didn’t think he would have ever experienced again. 

“Open up for me, Jen,” Jared softly coaxed. 

Letting his head fall to the side, letting Jared prop him up entirely at this point, Jensen did as he said.

A couple of pills were slipped into his mouth, and he swallowed them dry before Jared could return with water. Letting out a small noise of displeasure, Jared put the bottle to his lips. “Drink.”

Jensen realized that for all that he had almost drowned himself not too long ago, he still eagerly drank up the water until it was almost empty, Jared reluctantly tugging the bottle away. 

As soon as it was gone, Jared’s arms were wrapped around Jensen again.

Jensen focused on controlling his breathing, but it was too late. Jared’s arms momentarily squeezed just as Jensen let out a shaky exhale, and he knew that Jared heard him, quiet as it was.

“You shouldn’t be here. You–I’m not. I’m not  _ clean, _ ” Jensen slumped forward, misery evident in his tone.

Jared’s arms tightened again, and this time he didn’t loosen his grip. “Yes, you are, Jensen.” Jared’s voice was firm and clear. “And I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Where I always should have been.”

Jensen shook his head, even as Jared guided them to lie back down on their sides on the mattress together. “No,” he whispered. “I–Someone else touched me. I’m dirty.  _ Why are you still touching me?” _

“Because you aren’t!” Jared exclaimed. Inhaling deeply, Jared went on, his voice marginally quieter, but no less firm. “And because you’re mine. I’m touching you, because you’re mine, just as much as I’m yours. If you will have me.” Jared pressed his forehead to Jensen’s shoulder. As he continued speaking, his voice was muffled, but Jensen could still hear him all too clearly. “And because none of that, none of it makes you dirty.” Jared rubbed his arms up and down Jensen’s sides soothingly. “It makes you strong.” Jared whispered. “It makes me not deserve you.”

Jensen’s eyes stang. “Why would you say that.” He croaked.

And Jared finally let go, but only to lift himself up on his arms, towering over Jensen’s prone form. Jensen’s breath caught in his throat as he turned onto his back, looking up at Jared’s dark eyes. "I don't deserve you, because I abandoned you when you needed me the most. Because I let you walk away, when I should have held you tight. Because even after all this time, I can still see the love shining in your eyes, though you have every right to hate me after everything."

Jensen was already shaking his head, his face contorted in pain, as if that would stop the words Jared was uttering from entering his ears. "I could never hate you, Jare.  _ You _ have every right, though, to walk away."   
  
Jared groaned in frustration. "No, Jen! God, what can I say that'll convince you..." he let his head drop to Jensen's shoulder, his hands gripping Jensen's sides tightly.

"Jared–"   
  
"I'm sorry I ever left you. And I will spend my entire life making it up to you. But Jen... I still love you.  _ I love you.  _ So please... I of all people don't deserve to ask this, but give me a chance?" Jared pleaded.   
  
Jensen's mouth dropped, his chest feeling like there was a vice grip holding onto him, rendering him unable to speak, as much as he wanted to. Painful seconds went by, and it was Jared's face contorting into visible broken hearted disappointment that had the words being practically punched out of Jensen.    
  
"Jared, why–how could you still–"   
  
Jared shook his head. "I will always love you. Even when I had seen you that day–" his voice cracked as much as Jensen's heart contracted. "I was mad at myself as much as I was with you," He said, ignoring Jensen's flinch. "That even when seeing you like that, I was still in love with you, and I couldn't take it. I'm the biggest coward for that, I am. But I swear, give me the chance, and I'll make sure it won't happen again."

Jensen blinked, and then blinked again. His throat felt tight, but for the first time since he'd seen Jared in Armadillo, he dared to bring his hands up, and cup Jared's face. 

The bliss that overcame Jared's face mirrored what Jensen felt inside. After so long, his heart finally felt like it was softening, like Jared's touch was all that he needed to find the peace he hadn't had in long.    
  
Except it wasn't like. It  _ was  _ everything Jensen needed. And it tore him to pieces to think that he wouldn't be able to touch Jared again. “Jared, I love you more than anything in the world,” Jensen whispered. He gently stroked his thumb under Jared’s eye, his stomach twisting when he realized how deep the bags under them were. “But how could I–how could you even bear being with me, knowing that I’d slept with someone else, that I haven’t,” Jensen’s voice broke, his hands loosening around Jared’s face. “That I haven’t been loyal to you?” He asked.

Jared lifted a hand up, holding Jensen’s hand to his face. “If anyone hasn’t been loyal to the other person, it’s been me to you. I should have stayed, should have trusted you, should have, should have,  _ should have,”  _ Jared shook his head. “But I didn’t. And I pray that you’ll forgive me for that one day, Jen.” A tear dropped from his eye as he practically nuzzled into Jensen’s palm. His stomach fluttering, Jensen wiped it away.

“There’s nothing for me to forgive you for, Jare.”

Jared hesitantly looked back at him, cautiously leaning forward just a little bit closer. Though his heart rate picked up, Jensen didn’t dare to move or utter another word. 

Jared’s eyes glittered with more of his unshed tears. Tears that Jensen didn’t want falling, not on his account. “So will you say yes then?” Jared asked, his face so close by now that Jensen could feel the hot puff of air landing on his mouth. 

Swallowing, Jensen internally prayed that he wasn’t screwing them both over for life when he replied, his voice shaky yet clear. 

“Yes.”

oOo

“Hey, handsome,” He slid into the barstool beside the brunet, suggestively eyeing the man up and down. “What’s your name?”

The brunet side-eyed him as he took a sip from the beer that was already in his hand. It was no hardship for Brandon to wait patiently as the man took his time, before setting down his drink on the countertop. 

“Chris,” He replied after a moment. This time, Chris turned in his seat to face Brandon, and a familiar thrill went up Brandon’s spine as he was looked up and down suggestively.

“Chris? Nice to meet you,” He leaned in closer, practically whispering into the man’s ear. “I’m Brandon. Mind if I buy you a drink?”  He pulled back just in time to see Chris giving him a speculative look over.

“Sorry, but I’m still good,” Chris gestured to his drink with a almost apologetic note in his voice.

Narrowing his eyes yet knowing he would be coming across as disappointed, Brandon was already starting to go through different routes in his mind to get to his destination. He’d already set a goal, and Brandon would be disappointed to say the least if he missed another one within a month.

But Chris just kept going on, oblivious to Brandon’s internal thoughts rushing at a rapid pace, despite his calm demeanor. “How about I buy you one instead?”

Which, oh. 

Brandon leaned back on his barstool, carefully sliding on a pleasantly surprised smirk, though it wasn’t too hard to fake when the approval was already partially genuine. Looks like his route might be good to go after all. 

“Can’t say I’d mind that whatsoever,” Brandon purred, satisfaction lighting up within him when he noticed Chris’s Adam’s Apple bobbing.

With a visible swallow, Chris turned back to the bartender and signaled to him, gesturing towards Brandon. Twisting in place so that he’d be able to lean his back suavely against the counter, Brandon turned his full focus onto Chris.

“So,” Brandon tilted, handing the beer bottle the bartender offered without taking his eyes off of Chris. “Can’t say I’ve seen you around here before.”

Chris smirked into his beer. “Thought I’d try something new,” looking at Brandon, Chris’s smirk grew wider. “So far, I’d have to say I’m enjoying it.” 

Heat pooled low within Brandon’s gut, the familiar itch at the base of his neck urging him to make his move anytime now. Instead, he forced himself to take a long pull from his bottle, looking at Chris over the rim. Somehow, he was still taken off guard when Chris leaned forward this time, right as Brandon was pulling the beer away from his lips, to purr into Brandon’s ear. 

“I’d enjoy it even more if I could take you home tonight.”

Feeling like he’d just swallowed his throat in surprise, Brandon gaped. Quickly recovering, though, he shot Chris a leery grin in response. “Thought you’d never ask.”

oOo

The ride to Chris’s was mostly silent, though Brandon imagined that he could feel the heat growing between them. Every time he shot Chris heated stares, the man would only smirk, not even taking his eyes off the road. 

Brandon was going to have so much fun taking apart this cocky one. 

He was just starting to play with the zipper on his pants, growing impatient, when Chris pulled up in front of a house. Blinking, Brandon looked around, trying to take in his surroundings. Which was weird, because he was always a lot more conscious of where he was going… or being taken in this case. 

However, what was much more weirder was the fact that Brandon couldn’t really see any other houses nearby.

“Quite isolated ‘round here, isn’t it?” Brandon asked, covering his unease with a easy smile as he sidled up to Chris.

Chris winked at him. “I like my peace of quiet. Makes it a lot more worth it when screams start ringin’ out. No one around to bother us either, if you know what I mean.”

And instantly, the heat was slamming back into Brandon’s gut full force with Chris’s words. Oh yes, he was definitely going to enjoy his time with this one.

“Well then, what’re you waiting for? Lead the way, my dear sir!” Mockingly bowing towards the entrance, Brandon’s lips curled up into a smile as he heard Chris letting out an amused huff of laughter before walking towards the entrance.

Though not too far behind, Chris had still already managed to get the door open by the time Brandon was near the threshold. Holding the door open for him, Chris leaned in. “Make yourself at home whilst I get you something to drink.”

Sparks flew up Brandon’s spine as he could practically taste what was soon to be offered to him anyway. Soon, he mentally chided himself as he stepped inside. Soon, he’d get what he wanted.

Dropping his jacket on a nearby sofa, Brandon walked towards the only source of light in the otherwise dark house, finding himself in the kitchen just as Chris was turning around, two glasses already in his hands.

“That was fast,” Brandon remarked as he took a glass from Chris, his other hand fingering the small bag in his jean’s pocket. “Eager much?” 

Chris chuckled. “Well,” He paused as Brandon took a few sips of his scotch. “I wouldn’t want the first dosage to wear off. That would render this useless,” He tipped his own glass towards Brandon’s, and he was just starting to frown in confusion when he realized that the black spots dancing in the corner of his vision weren’t shadows. 

Chris disappeared into a black spot himself before Brandon could utter a single word. 

oOo

When he came to, he was hogtied to a chair.

Neither was it one of his finest moments, or even kinkiest. Though he had a feeling there wasn’t supposed to be anything kinky about this at all. 

Blinking his eyes open, Brandon narrowed his eyes at the man standing with his back to Brandon. 

“Hey, yeah. I’m awake now.” Brandon announced.

The man didn’t turn around, but Brandon could see the broad shoulders tensing under the crisp white shirt the man wore. 

_ Businessman then _ , Brandon guessed.

The white shirt expanded as the man took an exaggerated inhale. Brandon rolled his eyes as he waited for the man to exhale just as loudly. Yeah, he probably should have been a little more worried about his state, and judging by the man’s posture – and size – him too, especially.

But, eh. He could count on one hand the amount of times he’d been in situations just as bad if not worse, and he could count on both hands the amount of times he got himself out of them as well.

And the man turned around, hands gripping the table behind him so tightly his knuckles turned white.

“Hey!” Brandon exclaimed, squinting at the man. “I know you!” He wracked his brain, trying to place where he’d seen the guy before.

The man raised his eyebrows, and Brandon remembered. 

“Oh, yeah! You were at the bar that day–” And, oh, shit. Looks like it was time to turn up the suck up mode to high. “Oh, man. God I’m so sorry, I must’ve been drunker than I thought I was that day, else I swear, I never would’ve–”

The sound of the harsh slap resounded loudly within the room. 

Brandon stared at the wall to his left, shocked into silence. Slowly, he tested out his jaw, relieved to see it was still intact. Mostly. He was gonna have a hell of a bruise though, but he still tamped down on his temper. Not like he could do much when he was still tied up, but after…

“Yeah, okay, I probably deserved that,” Brandon acquiesced, slowly straightening in his chair. “But I’m sorry, okay. Didn’t realize you were serious with your boy-toy or that you were enga–”

This time, he saw the punch coming. What he didn’t think he’d see was absolute white, followed by pure agony.

“Fuck!” Brandon bent in half, wheezing. “You broke my no’e!” He could feel the blood trickling down his lips, and if that wasn’t an indicator, then the crack he could still hear as his nose flared sure was. 

When the dancing spots finally receded, Brandon looked up. The man – Jared, if he remembered correctly despite his mind’s wires feeling a little crossed – was standing straight, a satisfied look in his dark eyes. 

For the first time, Brandon felt regret bubbling up in his throat. 

Or maybe he was about to hurl. 

“Look, ‘an. I’ sure however ‘ad you are, we could talk this out like ci’ili–”

Another fist, this time in his guts, and seriously, this guy wasn’t pulling his punches, was he?

Heaving, Brandon waited to make sure he really wasn’t gonna throw up all over his shoes, and even then, he was kind of reluctant to lean back up again.

Jared didn’t give him a choice.

Brandon hissed as he was tugged up by his hair, already fearing for bald spots as Jared dug his nails into Brandon’s scalp in the process. “Easy–”

And then all hell broke loose.

Punch after punch – Brandon was sure Jared kicked at one point, because he couldn’t feel one of his legs anymore – rained down on him, and by the time he finished, Jared was breathing heavily, the only sign of his exertion, looking otherwise as maintained as he’d been since Brandon woke up.

Brandon, on the other hand, was ready to greet sweet unconsciousness with open arms, until Jared upended a bottle of water on him. 

“Oh, I’m not done with you yet,” Jared growled, the first words he’d uttered. 

Brandon swallowed thickly, wincing as he felt the thick blood go down his throat in the process.

“In fact, I’m just getting started. Believe me, when I am done,” Jared stepped back, an evil grin twisting what Brandon would have happily admitted as being handsome – if only that would get him out of the situation he was in. And really didn’t want to be in anymore, either. Was happy to accept outside help at this point, really.

“You’re gonna wish you never hurt Jensen.” Was the last thing Jared said, before pain became the only thing in Brandon’s world.

oOo

Jared was wiping the blood off his hands with a towel, but at this point, he was going to need another, because the rag in his hands was anything but a towel at this point. 

Beside him, Chris tapped the empty needle, the vial beside it completely empty. “I take it everything went well then.” He stated, eyeing the towel that Jared finally let fall. 

“Yes,” Jared breathed out, setting his hands flat on the table, letting his head drop, his hair freed from it’s usually meticulous style long ago now obscuring his view. Jared inhaled deeply. “Thank you.” He whispered. Swallowing, he turned to look at Chris. “Thank you, Chris. For everything you’d done.” He said, his tone as utterly genuine as the look on his face. 

Chris stared at him for a moment, looking somber, before he shook his head. “Nah, it was nothing. Guy felt grimy, sure, and I think I need a bath before I do anything else. But… anything for Jensen, right?”

Swallowing again, Jared let his head fall, nodding slightly. 

Chris patted him between his shoulders, turning to leave, before he paused. “Don’t worry about the body,” He said, his voice low. “Or… any of the other stuff… and stains in there. I got you covered, Jared.”

Closing his eyes, Jared held back the urge to let out an anguished sob. Instead, he exhaled, gritting his teeth. 

“Take a shower, Jared. And then go home. Jensen’s gonna need you… and frankly, right now, you need him too.”

With a final pat, Chris turned and left, walking back into his garage to, undoubtedly, follow through on his promised clean up session.

Jared took a few minutes to ground himself, before he straightened, stepping back from the table.

Chris was right. Jensen needed him, just as much as Jared needed Jensen.

But first, he needed to borrow Chris’s shower, and give himself the scrub of a lifetime.

oOo

By the time Jared got home, the stench of smoke was still firmly lodged within his respiratory system. All because by the time he’d finally gotten rid of all the blood and other gore from under his fingernails and, hell, even parts of his scalp that Jared made a mental note to pay better attention to in the future, Chris has already started up a grand bonfire, destroying their evidence before he could take care of the final procedure.

Either way, because of that, it took several long seconds to realize that his nose wasn’t actually getting extra sensitive, but that there really was something burning within his house.

Alarmed, Jared followed his nose to the kitchen, quickly finding the source of the smell and swiftly turned off the stove. Inside the pot atop it were what he guessed was the remains of what would have been pasta.

Only growing more alarmed by the second, Jared rushed out of the kitchen. “Jensen?” He called, frantically looking through the rooms before climbing up the stairs to the second floor, his long stride easily swallowing up the distance by taking four steps at a time. “Jen!”

He glanced inside his bedroom, body already moving further down the hall to continue checking throughout the house, but then his mind brought him to a halt at the doorway. “Jensen?”

Pushing open the door, he stepped inside, heart in his throat. His eyes glued on Jensen’s head on the other side of the room, Jared rounded the bed, his feet dragging as if he was sludging through mud. 

The sight in front of him had Jared’s knees buckling with relief, and he only just managed to make his landing more comfortable as he fell beside Jensen. “Jen, sweetheart?” His voice was soft as he outstretched a hand, carefully placing it on Jensen’s arm. 

Jensen jumped, his head snapping to the side so fast that Jared had to wince in sympathy. With Jensen’s wide eyes pinned on him, Jared slowly reached his hand, unable to stop himself from stroking Jensen’s neck, trying to soothe away the crick he could imagine Jensen just gave himself. “Sweetheart?” Jared repeated, concern lacing his voice as he looked into Jensen’s eyes.

Slowly, Jensen looked back to the photo album in his hands, Jared following suit. 

“Sorry, it’s just,” Jensen started, his voice low and shaky. “I was going through the stuff to get rid of, but then I must have got sidetracked…”

Jared frowned. As much as he couldn’t really understand why Jensen wanted to get rid of a lot of the furniture in what had been their shared home – though he could probably understand the need to relocate their bedroom and to get rid of the bed from their previous one – he still kept quiet, content to go along with whatever Jensen wanted to do. He promised he wasn’t gonna mess up, and Jared was damn well going to stick to it, and besides. All the new furniture and other decor he would have to buy again soon wasn’t any problem to him. 

But that didn’t really explain what Jensen was doing with their photo album that held all the pictures of their time in college. 

“That’s okay, sweetheart,” Jared said softly. He stroked a thumb against Jensen’s jawline, breathing deeply when he noticed Jensen still hadn’t shaved. It wasn’t that often Jensen preferred to forego a shave, but Jared couldn’t remember the last time Jensen had let his beard grow out this long.

Jared looked back to the album, a small smile gracing his lips when he noticed the picture Jensen was lightly tracing with a finger. It was one that Gen had taken of them when they shared a break between classes. They’d known their friends were there, aware of the girls tittering as flashes and the sound of a camera taking pictures clearly audible to them, but they’d chosen to ignore it, in favor of maintaining the bubble they had built around themselves, consisting of just the two of them. Jared was leaning under a large willow tree, Jensen resting against his chest as he looked up at him, a small smile on his face as he intently watched while Jared talked enthusiastically, one hand gesturing every now and then, his own eyes staring right back into Jensen’s. His other hand, however, was firmly wrapped around Jensen’s hip, and Jared could remember that he never bothered to move from that position, even when his arm had long since gone numb. 

Jared’s heart clenched at the memory. They had seen the photo many times, admiring the soft tones and the way the willow tree’s branches framed the picture so elegantly, but right now, all Jared could focus on was the immense love that he could easily see reflecting with both their past selves’ eyes.

“How long were you sitting here, Jen?” Jared asked, breaking the silence. 

Jensen shrugged, the movement slightly sluggish. “I don’t know, I was just looking for stuff to get rid off–” Jensen abruptly sat upright, his eyes widening in alarm. “Shit! I was making dinner–”

Jared chuckled softly, quickly leaning towards Jensen to cradle his cheek. “Don’t worry about it. I already turned the stove off… though we might have to order in tonight.”

Jensen stiffened, inhaling sharply. “Oh, fuck. I burned it, didn’t I? God, I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have just left it like that, I should have just stayed by the stove, the pot is probably ruined by now, isn’t it? God, Jared, I’m so sorry, I swear–”

“Woah, woah, woah, hold on!” Jared shook his head, alarmed at the panic attack Jensen was practically building himself up to. Putting his hands on Jensen’s shoulders firmly, Jared ducked down a little so that their line of sight would be a little more on even ground. “It’s fine, Jen, it happens. Sure, it would have been better if you were a little cautious, but it’s not like anything happened, okay? Like I said, we can always just order in, and if the pot is truly shot to hell, then we can get a new one of that too.” Jared tried to smile appeasingly, but he knew it wasn’t reaching his eyes when Jensen still didn’t relax. 

Not meeting his eyes, Jensen instead looked to the side uneasily. “But still–” He tried to speak, but Jared was quick to cut him off this time. 

“Still, nothing.” Jared shook his head, putting a finger over Jensen’s lips for good measure. He silently stared as all the fight left Jensen as Jared leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. “Everything’s okay, alright? Everything’s gonna be just fine, in fact. I promise, Jen.” He breathed out.

Slowly, Jensen let out a shuddery exhale, before he nodded, his eyes closing as he leaned into Jared’s touch.

oOo

They were cuddling on their new couch almost a week later, Jensen unable to stop grinning as Jared grumpily threw most of the pillows that he’d mindlessly ordered along with the couch to the floor. While it was comfortable, the pillows that were essentially weirdly shaped lumps under his back were not. 

Leaning back on the now pillow free couch, Jared sighed in content, his back already feeling a lot better. He lazily opened his eyes to watch as Jensen turned the TV on, before leaning against the back of the couch, sitting a little too stiffly for Jared’s liking, his arm almost robotic as he flipped through the channels, trying to find something they would like.

Narrowing his eyes, Jared stretched out his arm, and tugged insistently on Jensen’s sleeve like a petulant child, instantly gaining Jensen’s attention. Cocking his head at Jared questioningly, Jared let his smile grow just the slightest bit bigger. “C’mere?” He offered, spreading his arms apart, baring his chest for Jensen to lie on, should he wish to. While this had always been their default position, comfortable to be curled up together as much as possible whenever, Jared had been wary lately, trying to take things at Jensen’s pace. 

But when he started to notice with already observant eyes as to how Jensen would always lean into his touch but then pulling away and practically sliding a blank mask on the moment Jared stopped touching him, Jared got suspicious.

So he tried letting his touches linger longer, heart easing as Jensen’s smile grew bigger and more genuine as well. But he also noticed how Jensen was never the one to initiate contact. He hadn’t been sure how to approach the situation until now, and what better way was there?

But as Jensen stared at him uncertainly, hesitating for a moment too long, Jared couldn’t help but wonder if he’d taken too large of a step, and too soon.

Just as he was about to wave it off, ready to smile off the hurt and disappointment, Jensen slowly tilted his body, and then leaned on Jared, slowly but steadily letting Jared cushion the majority of his weight.

Feeling Jensen finally curled up against his torso, his head tucked under Jared’s chin where it always should be, his hair slightly tickled Jared’s skin, Jared felt a sigh releasing from him. The weight he’d been feeling within his chest finally dissipated as Jensen let Jared hold onto him.

Practically floating with bliss, Jared closed his eyes as he brought his arms around Jensen, wrapping him up tighter against himself. At first, he froze when Jensen stiffened, but as Jensen gradually relaxed, so did Jared.

It was when Jensen nuzzled his head against Jared’s neck that he let out a hum of pleasure escape. Jensen momentarily stopped, but he was relatively quick to resume the action, and Jared hold on tighter, slightly shifting his body so that his arm wasn’t squished into a pancake between both their bodies and the couch. Jared winced when something hard hit his elbow, and he was already letting go of Jensen with one arm, trying to dig under himself for the offending TV remote, when the sound of a female news reporter on the TV had Jared freezing.

“ _ –Says that they found the body just last night, but autopsy reports suggests the victim has been deceased for much longer than a few days. The local police have released information on the victim, declaring him to be one Brandon Routh, age thirty-eight–”  _ The news reporter paused, her head tilting downwards as she pressed a finger to the bluetooth in her ear, listening intently.

Jensen and Jared continued to stare at the TV, their eyes practically glued to the screen. Jared absently took in the graphic content warning continuously rolling to the side under the video of the woman.

The news reporter looked back into the camera, letting her hand fall back to her side. “ _ Yes, Jake, we’ve just got new information on the seemingly cause of death. While the victim suffered multiple lacerations and internal injuries, both leading to a severe case of bleeding, internal and external, it has been determined that the most likely cause of death has been due to traces of medroxyprogesterone acetate–”  _ Jared spared a moment to appreciate how the woman barely stumbled over the complicated name. He himself had tried and given up, preferring to use the abbreviation unless and until he needed to be formal “ _ –a chemical ingredient that is commonly used in DMPA. The chemical is known to be used for chemical castration, and sure enough, puncture wounds were found on the victim’s penis, and although the chemical is lethal and hard to obtain, the undoubted murder of Brandon Routh was not merely cold and calculated, but also harsh and brutal, due to how damaged Routh’s body–” _

Jensen’s hand gripped Jared’s chest was the only warning Jared got before Jensen was twisting his head so fast, pushing himself up a little to look down at Jared. 

Jared swallowed. Jensen looked absolutely pale, his bottom lip trembling, his eyes wide with – fear, anger, terror – Jared wasn’t sure. All he could do was look evenly back at Jensen, trying to keep his breathing steady, when Jensen’s face crumbled, and he collapsed back on top of Jared heavily, punching the breath out of Jared’s lungs as he buried his face in Jared’s neck. Jared closed his eyes when he felt his skin rapidly wetten, and though barely any sounds escaped Jensen, his whole body was starting to tremble now. 

Inhaling deeply, and feeling tears welling up within his own eyes, Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen again, stroking a hand up and down the length of Jensen’s back in time to each  of his inhale and exhale. It took long, way too long to the point that even the news reporter had switched to other news updates, but Jared was nonetheless relieved when Jensen’s trembling somewhat died down.

The relief didn’t last long when he realized what Jensen was mouthing into his neck.

“– _ ’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I’m so sorry Jare–” _

Jaw clenching, Jared brought his hand to Jensen’s chin, tilting his head up until Jensen was forced to meet Jared’s eyes.

“You did nothing wrong,” Jared stated firmly. He didn’t let his hold on Jensen’s torso or chin budge, rendering Jensen unable to move away from Jared’s piercing gaze. “You hear me? You did  _ absolutely nothing wrong.” _

Jensen trembled, one last time, and then his lips were colliding against Jared’s. 

Gasping in surprise, Jared automatically let his mouth open, closing his eyes as Jensen’s tongue snuck into his, shyly meeting Jared’s tongue. He didn’t bother to take control, instead choosing to relish in the moment as he met Jensen’s kiss with equal passion, letting themselves be guided into a slow and passionate kiss, something they had both needed for so long.

By the time they pulled apart for air, Jensen wasn’t trembling any more. In fact, Jared was silently thrilled to realize that Jensen was stroking his neck easily, hands still soft and light but a lot more confident compared to only days before, as they explored Jared’s skin. 

Swallowing, Jensen let their foreheads meet, and he opened his mouth to breathe into the barely there gap in between their mouths.

“Thank you.”

It wasn’t a love proposal of any kind, Jared surmised even as he surged up to peck at Jensen’s lips. But it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey KT, looks like we got that Red Meat fic to work on now...


End file.
